My Miracle - A Letter to Vinny

Did you know I am a miracle?

Did you know that everything in my life has been miraculous?
If not, I’d like to quickly tell you why.

Since I can remember, I’ve been told I was a miracle by my parents.
Not just a little miracle, but a HUGE miracle that has blessed them immeasurably. Yet, God didn’t stop with me, he just started the chain of events.

It was a miracle that my Mom and Dad experienced the same struggle with infertility as Jim and I. Because of that miracle, they decided to adopt before conceiving their own child.

It was a miracle that at that time, they decided to go with a Korean adoption. It was a miracle that they received news that a baby girl was now theirs.
My Mom and Dad may think that Ali was their miracle, but she wasn’t just theirs….I think God gave Ali to me. She is my miracle.

It was a miracle that my Dad decided to pick up his whole family and move across the country to California.

It was a miracle that my parents generously put me through college and let me graduate with zero debt.

It was a miracle that a certain young man walked into a certain sports bar on Halloween night and decided that I was the one he wanted to talk to.

It was a miracle that he called me three times to plan a date. It was a miracle that my hairstylist totally screwed up my hair, which caused me to dye it dark…which made me cancel a date with another guy who knew me…and take Jim up on his offer of dinner.

It was a miracle that every minute of our first date was amazing, and that he totally understood when I wanted to go home and change into a maroon-velvet-track-suite and go out again (if you know me well, you know that I HAVE to be comfortable and will change clothes at any moment).

It was a miracle that James Aaron Caramazza wanted me to be his wife.

It was a miracle that even after a very scary break-in and a heart wrenching fire that destroyed our home…we became stronger, happier, more content.

It was a miracle that Jim and I have struggled for the past six years to conceive…this gave us time with each other…just each other. We have had so much fun, excitement, journeys, vacations, night outs, parties….good times….amazingly good times!

It was a miracle that on a Sunday in February, 2010, my Mom called me and said that My Dad told her that he wanted to pay for us to go through IVF. I will never be able to pay them back for the gift they have given us. If it wasn’t for that call on that day…I would not be reading this.

It was a miracle that the fertility clinic I had been going to for five years had an opening in March to start our IVF cycle.

It was a miracle that everything in our IVF process went prefect…beyond perfect.

It was a miracle that our Dr. harvested 28 eggs, 17 fertilized and 12 embryos were perfect.

It was a miracle that on the implantation day, a lab technician chose 2 little embryos randomly…out of 12.

It was a miracle that after 7 days of bed rest and a wait that seemed like forever, the nurse called us and said YOU'RE PREGNANT.

It was a miracle that of those two eggs, 1 little embryo stuck just for us.

It was a miracle that after weeks of spotting, worrying and trying to stay calm….We heard the heartbeat of the little person now growing inside of me.

It was a miracle that after thinking my life would be filled with little girls, God gave me a little boy.

So, here we are… I’m reading this to my family and friends who are surrounding me during this amazing time before Vinny makes his miraculous appearance.

You all are my miracles as well. I find it amazing that God has blessed me with this family, with these friends, with this life. Every step I have made has brought miracles into my life.

I’ve always know I was a miracle, but until now, never realized how miraculous my life truly is.

Dear Vinny,

You are a miracle. You were chosen by God and given to us as a gift. I will never let a day go by without making sure you know how amazing you are, what a blessing you are, how miraculous your life is going to be. Every day of my life has prepared me to bring you into this world, and I will never forget how I felt the day I knew you were finally here.

You are my miracle, my heart and soul, my love…you are my sweet Vinny. I will love you always.

You and I, we are Miracles.

Love,

Mom

7 Months and Feeling Good

Wow, time does fly! I will be 7 months this week and we are counting down the days until Baby Vinny arrives.

Being pregnant has had it's ups and downs, but mostly ups in the past three months. It's been fun to feel the baby move and "interesting" to see my body change and grow.

Here are the things I've notices in my 7th month.

1. It only takes an extra ten pounds of weight to make your back really hurt.
2. The line that goes up your belly is really unnecessary.
3. I miss sleeping on my stomach.
4. Eating has become a hobby...and I'm good at it.
5. It's getting harder to put my shoes and underwear on :-)
6. People love to rub pregnant bellies...and no, I don't mind at all :-)
7. I've started to grunt when picking up/moving anything, getting up, or sitting down.
8. Those shirts I thought would take me all the way through my pregnancy are giving me the white-trash-belly-exposed look...not cute.
9. I get tired around 3PM and love napping.
10. I have a new appreciation for a glass of wine.
11. I want to make everything in my house clean, organized and enjoyable to live in...since I know my time will be limited when baby gets here.

So, all and all...I feel great, baby is healthy and growing, I'm on track for a beautiful nursery and ready to welcome Baby Vinny into our family.

Dreams

I've always had weird dreams. I often wake Jim up in the middle of the night to tell him all about them...and he really appreciates that. Most of the time he says "I don't want to know, they freak me out".

I haven't really had many super weird pregnancy or baby dreams...until last night. I had to share (since Jim doesn't terribly appreciate them).

I had a dream that I was getting my hair done and a stylist next to me said "oh wow, your belly button has popped out". I looked down, lift up my shirt a bit and my belly button was sticking out about three inches and in a cone shape. It was wiggly, long and a hideous. I was mortified in my dream and tried to push it back in, but it would only pop back out. I tried to tape it down, but it wouldn't hold. I finally woke up...

I know...I know...now you are freaked out and never want to hear about one of my dreams again. I HAD to tell someone... :-)

You're welcome :-)))))

5 Months

Today, I am 5 months and 1 week. Wooohooo! I now know what they mean when they say time flies after you get to your second trimester. I'm loving being pregnant "now"...feeling this little guy inside of me is a pretty crazy thing!

As most know, we picked our name Vincent Michel Caramazza..."Vinny". This was our original name for a boy, but I decided I wanted to try some other names out. I went through hundreds of them and none seem to fit. When I would think of this little guy in my head, I would call him Baby Vinny. So, at Little Joes Italian restaurant in San Francisco (very appropriate that we were in an Italian restaurant)I looked down at my belly, then looked at Jim and said "He's a Vinny". Jim smiled ear to ear and said "really, we can name him Vinny". Yes we can...and yes we will. I know the name is very Italian (and he will actually be only 1/8 Italian and actually have more Swedish in him than anything...we went against Sven), we decided that Vinny is what our hearts wanted.

Naming a child for the rest of their lives is a big decision, and I think we chose the right now. Vincent will be his formal name, Vinny his nickname and Vince for when he's an adult in business.

Anyway, life is just truckin' along and I'm feeling great. Baby bump is getting bigger and bigger everyday, and it's getting a little hard to get comfortable while sleeping now. I'm sure that is just going to get worse...

It has been so fun sharing all these steps with friends and family, how blessed we are!

Can't wait to keep seeing this little dude grow until he finally decides to come out and meet us.

Hope all is well in your lives...Hugs!

Jac (and Vinny)

I'm a Nut...

Nothing really exciting to blog, just another proof that I'm losing my mind.

I felt like baby boy wasn't moving anymore (he was between 16-18 weeks).

In usual "freak out for every little thing" form...I decided to just "stop by" my Dr. office at Kaiser Women's Health and ask them nicely to check for the heartbeat. They just smiled at me and said "of course we can".

I'm sure these wonderful nurses and Dr's get "crazy-paranoid-new-moms" all the time...and they were very sweet in agreeing to calm my nerves.

She put the little doppler on my stomach and sure enough...boom, boom, boom, boom...baby is healthy and chillin' inside me.

She said that the reason I felt so much movement was because baby was pretty low in my pelvic area and has now moved into my abdomen area and is tucked back further. This is why I feel less movement and feel more comfortable.

I'm a nut...I'm a nut...I'm a nut!

But I'm a relieved Nut!

:-)

It's a Boy !

Boy-oh-boy-oh-BOY.....I was not expecting this!!! I was so sure it was a girl that I convinced everyone around me it was a girl too. :-) I decided on July 26th to surprise my husband (who had been working very hard that week) and to surprise my mother-in-law for her birthday...by finding out the sex of the baby.

I got a last minute appointment with an ultrasound company in Roseville that can tell the sex of the baby as early as sixteen weeks (I was only 17 at the time). I wasn't sure if they would be able to tell...obviously, they could.

The Dr. came in and ran the ultrasound over my little bump and said "hmmm...looks like baby is taking a face first nap and needs some encouragement...lay on your side for a minute and I'll be right back." He came back and just like he said, baby moved into a visible position and he started looking for "thing or lack of thing". He rolled over my belly for a couple minutes and then...there is was...I knew it before the Dr. even said a word.

That is a penis! My girl has a penis???? Oh wait.....I'M HAVING A BOY!!!!!!

WHAAAATTTTT!!!! I couldn't believe it...total shock! I sat there for a minute and all of a sudden a big grin came on my face! My little Boy! I fell in love with him instantly!!! I give my husband a hard time about him getting his boy and he better give me a girl next time....but it's all just fun. I couldn't be happier...a baby BOY!!

Here is the ultrasound video from the appointment...it's about 5 minutes long. You will notice about a minute in that the Dr. nicely points out (with a yellow cursor) what the sex of the baby is. Pretty sure you can see it :-)))) Let the shopping begin...

Just a little "no news" update

No news is good news. Life has just been truckin' along, no big ups and no big downs. Yayyy! I will be 15 weeks on Thursday and I'm feeling great. My only "symptoms" are backache and constant need to pee. We have a little more than 3 weeks until we find out what we are having...Girl or Boy. I will be giggy with either...but as most of you know...I have pink on the brain :-)

I do have a little bump that I "can't suck in"...and some maternity pants were purchased last week. Oooohhhhhh, soooooooo nice, not having to stuff myself into tight jeans and wrap a rubber band around the button. Stretchy bands in maternity pants are from heaven!

We have our next appt. on July 29th with the Dr. who will deliver the baby...

No spotting and feeling GREAT!

I feel like it's been forever since I've posted something positive about this pregnancy...sorry about that. Yes, it's been a rocky road, but I'm finally starting to feel "normal" again.

It's been an entire week ON MY FEET and no spotting. I've been walking around, going to dinner, working a bit, cleaning up my house more and just living a somewhat normal existence now...WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

My new nurse practitioner gave me a great pep talk...

"You're fine. Baby is fine. You can't cause a miscarriage or prevent one. You are over 12 weeks and rarely does anything bad happen now. RELAX and get out of bed"

I love her!!!

My tummy is officially getting bigger (along with other areas of my body...need to lay off the junk food sister). It finally feels REAL...and I'm loving it!

Hanging in there...

Tomorrow I will be 12 weeks!! I can't believe we are only 2 weeks away from the 2nd trimester. I've still had spotting off and on the past six weeks, but every time we go to the Dr. to do an ultrasound, the baby is fine and they tell me to just go home and rest. So, I've been on bed rest off and on for the past six weeks. The frustrating part is that I will stop spotting for 5 days, get up for a bit...then spot again.

I went to the Dr. yesterday because the spotting lasted a little longer than normal and of course, baby looks good, Mama is a stress case. There is apparently a pocket of fluid (blood) near the sac of the baby that is causing the spotting - it's not a great thing, but it is pretty common. It's trying to heal itself, but with any activity or growth of baby, it starts to release and spot again.

I'm back on bed rest and trying to keep my spirits up, even though I'm a little stir-crazy and frustrated with the complications. I know God's plan is always good, but man-o-man, can I get a break!! I've gotten great encouragement and of course, I appreciate it...but sometimes you just want to say THIS SUCKS!!!!

So, THIS SUCKS!!! I feel better...

I will get through this and in the end, I promise to share my story and help anyone I can who is going through infertility (emotionally and financially). Someone recently told me that when I finally have this baby, I will hardly remember any of my infertility woes. I hope that never happens, I never want to forget!!! I want to help others who are going through the same thing and never ever ever ever make them feel like I'm above them for the IVF working and having a baby. Infertility is hard, really hard...and I empathize with anyone who has dealt or is dealing with it.

...stepping off soapbox now :-)

On the bright side...these t-shirts cracked me up!!!
*click on the picture to make it bigger*

10 Weeks and Resting

As of Thursday, I am 10 weeks pregnant. I can't believe it was two and a half months ago that we did our implantation, time does go by fast.

If you've followed my Blog and Facebook, you know that I have been struggling with spotting this entire pregnancy. There's good and bad to it. The good is, every time I go to the Dr. when I spot, the Baby is find and growing very fast. The bad is, he told me I have some bleeding around the sac of the baby and although it's normal and no cause for alarm, it's a warning to take it easy.

He compared the bleeding area to a scab...nice huh. If you pick at a scab, it will bleed, but if you just leave it to heal, it will heal up and fall off. So, the spotting is due to the area not healing yet and most likely due to me being too active. So, he believes that as long as I take it easy (couch/bed-rest), I should just heal up and have no issues in my 2nd trimester.

If you could say a little prayer for us, that the area heals and baby will be safe and sound to grow...I would really appreciate it.

God is always good and His plans for us are already written...now we just stand in faith.

Thanks for all of your support and love,

Jac (and Jim)

Wanted: Time Machine

I would like to find a Time Machine.

I would like to fast forward ten weeks and feel peace and joy.

I would like to be one of those women who doesn't worry about having a healthy pregnancy and it just turns out perfect.

I would like to find a Time Machine!!!

Obviously, my faith is shaken a bit. I'm spotting again...actually was spotting...it's pretty much done. I know many women go through this, but all the same, it's still very hard to stop thinking about the worse-case-scenario.

Man, FAITH Jaclyn...FAITH!!! I know God is in control and His ways are always good, but I'd really like to just skip all this and have our baby here!!

I'm going in for another ultrasound tomorrow, and of course, that will verify that everything is okay and we are still in the safe zone.

If you could, say a little prayer for me. Pray for a healthy pregnancy and that I "get out of my head" and stay in God's word....like the verse below.

Power Verses:

Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV)

** This picture reminds me that I need to smile, trust God, and be happy **

Counting down to 2nd Trimester...go faster please!

I've purposely tried to keep my blog entries to a minimum...because...I've been terrified of having a miscarriage.

I know quite a few people who've had miscarriages in their first 8-12 weeks and this thought has absolutely consumed me at times.

I sat down with my best friend from high school (who is still my best friend now) and she gave me some amazing advice and a dose of reality.

She reminded me that thoughts are very powerful and that they have an affect on my body. Negative thoughts bring negative anxiety and toxins into my body...two things that are NOT good for this baby!!! She also told me that God wants me to be happy and to have a healthy baby, and dwelling on the negative and anxious thoughts is only Satan's way of getting to me...'cause that's all he's got!! God is in control, I've been saying that from day 1. I have to confess, I have to ask God to renew my faith daily and to give me the strength to take those negative thoughts captive and throw them straight in the trash.

I saw this video the other day and it brought a smile to my face!!!

God is always good...I will enjoy this pregnancy because, it is a gift from above!

Big Day Tomorrow

Well, it's finally here...or almost here...seeing the heartbeat for the first time and seeing if one or two implanted. I'm excited and nervous!

As all you loved ones have done for the past two months, please PRAY that the ultrasound goes great, that the baby (or babies) are healthy and that the heartbeat(s) are strong and active!

I just want tomorrow morning to get here so I can finally see what's going on in there.

I pray for patience, strength, faith & grace! God is in control...and HE is always good!

Jac and Jim

Running out of butt room...

Well, I'm officially running out of "butt room"!

This is the Progesterone shot I have to take every night for the next six weeks (I've already been doing it for four weeks).

The nurse said my rump would be sore, black and blue, and eventually I would "run out of room"...and she was right!!!

I've always had a good amount of junk in the trunk (lately it's more like cargo), so I never thought I would run out of room for this lovely shot.

Here's a picture of my nightly shot gear, including the much needed ice pack, Do you feel sorry for me now??? (sorry if you don't like needles...neither do I)

Other than that, I feel great and things are going very well! Six more days until our ultrasound...Woooohooo!!!!!

Mama needs a cocktail...a mocktail I mean

No one can say our life is dull...not a bit!

Yesterday at about 3PM I started spotting a little and I FREAKED!!!
I called Jim and my Mom and of course...both came to be by my side immediately. I called my nurse and she said to not panic and go in for a blood test the next morning to test my beta #'s (if they fell, it may be a miscarriage).

Now for the TMI part...feel free to pass go to the end. The spotting was bright red and about the size of a half dollar, then went to about two half dollars of dark red, then to three half dollars of almost black spotting. Yes, I know...that's a lot of half dollars.

I went to bed with a heavy heart and a worried mind. I woke up without much spotting and by the time I went to take my blood test at 9AM...the spotting had stopped. All day I've been sick to my stomach thinking about this pregnancy ending sooooo soon. I know I'm still in the WAY risky period, but I wasn't prepared for it.

Soooooooo.....

I got a call at 3PM today from my wonderful Nurse saying that my numbers are at 3,000 (last Friday it was 150)....and that is VERY good!!!! She says there are multiple reasons to spot and most likely it was due to my egg extraction surgery two weeks ago...or my uterus stretching.

Praise the Lord.....Hallelujah.....God is Good....I'm still pregnant!!!!

Day by Day...Inch by Inch...

PREGNANT!!!!

It's official, WE ARE PREGNANT!!

It still hasn't set in yet! I'm sure it won't until I start showing.

I am VERY aware of how early this pregnancy is...VERY AWARE. I think about it every time I think about even being pregnant. I've had quite a few conversations with God asking him to forgive me for doubting...being faithless...and even suggesting that He is not in control of this pregnancy. I've said from day one of our IVF process that we are trusting 100% that God's plan is always good...and He knows what is best for our lives...so there it is...I am not in control!

I am in control of trying to eat well, relax and enjoy this new feeling.

There is no way to thank all of you for your prayers, support, love, texts, emails, calls and joyful responses to our positive result! I was overwhelmed on Friday with the wonderful family and friends we have that were just as happy as we were of this miracle.

I'm taking it day by day...but I can't help but look twice at little tiny clothes and sweet little baby items.

I will take another blood test on the 10th to make sure my hormone levels are still rising and then we will find out on the 19th "how many" implanted. I know, I know...most of you would like two...geeeeeezzzzz...will you be coming over on a regular basis to babysit??? he he he he he

I love you all and I couldn't be happier!!!!

* Picture is of a "miracle" onesie that my sister gave me THREE years ago...We've had it out ever since....but now it means a little bit more :-) *

Pray for Today

Well, today is the blood test that will tell us if the IVF worked and if we are pregnant.

The amount of love and support we have received during the past month has been amazing...absolutely amazing!

Please understand that if this test is negative...I'll be okay...I'll be a sad for a bit...but I'll be okay. I don't want to be faithless, but I knew from the start that I needed to be a little realistic in order to deal with doing IVF and the success rates.

God's plan is always good...and we believe He has already planned wonderful things for Jim and I.

Thank you for everything and I will let you know soon....

Hugs and Kisses!!!!

The Waiting Game...

I'm feeling soooo much better! Now it's just the Waiting Game!

We have an appointment this Friday to take a blood test and...well...see if those little eggs planted or not.

I still take a progesterone shot every night, a steroid pill to make sure my body doesn't reject the new eggs, aspirin and all the good prenatal vitamins.

I've been praying for ONLY God's perfect plan...so it's in His hands!

It's taking everything in me to not go out and buy a pregnancy test! The amount of hormones in my body could make a false positive, so that would just be cruel.

Keep praying for us!

Day 3 Bed Rest

These are my little fertilized eggs...the actual ones they put in me...aren't they cute?!

I'm on day 3 of bed rest...ooohhhh how I can't wait to get out and do, well, anything! I really can't complain though, I have been so incredibly taken care of by Jim and my Mom!!! I've also had some wonderful people stop by to visit me and make sure I wasn't too bored.

The actual implantation was pretty cool. Jim and I got to watch as the used a very thin "straw-like" thing to take 2 very tiny fertilized eggs and put them gently into my cervix. The entire procedure took about 20 minutes and then I just rested on my back there for about 30 minutes until we were told it was okay to go home and lay down. The worst part about the entire procedure (which wasn't bad at all) is that you have to have a full bladder...no fun...but no bid deal.

Jim got me home and I've been catered to by him and my Mom ever since.

I think I've watched about 5 movies, read 3 magazines and watched at least ten different TV shows. The bad part about being in bed is that you feel lazy...and when I feel lazy, I tend to want to eat...I feel like this is that "fat shack" where they fatten you up before the wedding. I can't wait to be mobile and get some healthy exercise.

Sooooo....they are in there....it's all up to God's plan!!!!

EGGPLANT DAY!!!

Today:

Tuesday, the Twentieth, Two Thousand Ten, at Two Thirty

This is my Eggplant Day!

We are so excited that this day is finally here!!! Jim and I prayed for God's perfect plan...and we have 100% faith that He is guiding every step of this process.

I made a video last night, just me, and talked to my baby(ies). I wanted him/her to know how much I loved him/her/them already, enough to do all this...and that if this session of IVF does not work...that the baby(ies) I was talking to are still in His plan...and will be here soon!

I'm glad it's been five years of trying! I'm glad this has been a struggle. I'm glad people know we want a child so very bad. I'm glad that when we finally hold our child, it will be a miracle. I'm glad that this child will know every single day of it's life that he/she is loved so very very much.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
- Jeremiah 1:5

You forget how much feeling good...feels good...until you feel bad

I had my egg retrieval (aka Harvest Day) last Thursday and it went VERY well!

I had 28 eggs harvested, which the Doc. said is GREAT, and they took Jim's sperm (that was donated that day) and used a "dropper" and created our little ones in a small cup. They estimate that 3-5 days will be needed to get to the right fertilization point.

Of those 28, 17 have fertilized and are splitting and growing rapidly. Of those 17, they will take 2 that look "very good" and implant them into my me. The rest will be frozen for me to use at a later point.

So far it's been a bit of a rough ride, my insides feel like they've been blended then left to ferment into a bloated gas bubble that has overtaken my whole stomach. Nice little visual with your morning cup of coffee :-))))

* This is a picture of me from yesterday...Excited to go on an outing into the real world again...I didn't make it too far...returned to the couch an hour later. *

My IMPLANT DAY is TOMORROW afternoon! We think it's funny that we will be able to know exactly when we conceived... Tuesday, the Twentieth, Two thousand and Ten (that's all T's...funny huh).

I will be on bed-rest from the time I get back tomorrow afternoon until Friday morning. Ugghhh...not looking forward to that...I get very stir-crazy!

Okay, I know I've asked you to pray...but I'm asking you to pray again...pray in agreement that my body will receive the eggs and a pregnancy WILL happen.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you…”
– Jeremiah 1:5

"We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him."
- I Samuel 1:27

28 !

That's the number of eggs they retrieved from my ovaries!

The little surgery went great. They prepped me, gave me some happy juice and I woke up with quite a bit of pain. They said harvesting 28 eggs was a lot for my insides to handle, so pain meds have been helpful!

I feel good...kind of like someone mixed my insides up a bit and then kicked me in the stomach on the way out :-)

We will be "on-call" for the next 3-5 days for implantation.

Implantation is the most important part of this process...I will be asking for everyone to PLEASE be on your knees praying for me and for my body to accept these eggs and become pregnant.

Thank you everyone for you emails, texts, call and prayers!!!!

Say a little prayer...

They will be harvesting my eggs tomorrow at 7AM. Please say a little (or big) prayer that everything goes perfect!!!

Jac and Jim

Release the Krakens....(inside joke)

This is me holding the Ovidrel (final realease shot)!

I had my final ultrasound before the IVF procedure today...and my Egg Harvesting will be this Thursday! Doc says my follicles look great and I have a ton! He's thinking they will get between 20-25 eggs. Wooohoooo!

We took the RELEASE shot tonight at 7PM...in 36 hours, my eggs will be ready for a journey into fertilization in a cup.

The retrieval surgery will be at 7AM on Thursday morning. They will put me under local anesthesia and the process to get the eggs out will take about 30 minutes. While they are doing my retreival, Jim will be giving his "sample"...swim hard boys! :-) TMI, I know. They will wake me up...get me settled...and send me home for some R&R.

**I will post a more detailed version of what is going on this week...for those who are reading this and going through IFV or fertility**

A GOOD Negative!!

For the past week, I have not worried as much about a baby...as much as I have worried about myself. I can finally vent my "GOOD negative"!!!

While doing IVF, they make you take a ton of tests...including all the bad stuff you "could have". One test in particular is important for IVF because you could pass it on to your child. This test is for Adult Leukemia...CANCER!

I took this test 3 times! I was told the 3rd time that they STILL couldn't get a negative result and needed me to take an additional DNA test that was more sensitive. I have never been more scared in my entire life! I actually broke down...broke down completely! I called my Mom and she and her friend Kate drove from Vacaville on a moment's notice to come to my house, pray with me, calm me down and basically LIFT me up! Also, Jim and his parents were by my side to just love me and cry with me.

I know this all seems trite with the test being negative now...but for the last week...I was faced with my own life ending (as dramatic as that sounds...that's how I felt). I just wanted to be here and healthy...the fertility issue seemed small in comparison.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo....

I'm okay...I'm okay...I'm okay!!!! God is Good...God is Good...God is Good!

On a side note...my follicles look great, I feel pretty good and I'm ready for egg harvesting on Thursday :-))))))) Yayyyyyy

Sometimes you look around and see things more clear...what's important...what's pure and simple...what's ultimately important in your life!! ...And sometimes, it's just good!

Lookin' Good!

I had my 5th Ultrasound this morning...at the crack of dawn (7AM, and that's crack of dawn for me). Jim came with me to see the progress.

They took my blood, for the hundredth time, and the Dr. did his ultrasound.

My ovaries look fantastic! Dr. Vu says that each one of my ovaries has over 15 good follicles. This means he will be able to harvest over 25 eggs for fertilization. Some women don't have many follicles and the Dr. can't harvest many, so they are left with a minimal amount of frozen embryos if the 1st round of IVF doesn't work. I...am all good though! :-)

He said everything looks good and we are on track for egg retrieval and semen donation....THIS COMING THURSDAY!!!!! Whooooaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! Crazy how fast this is going.

I have another ultrasound on Monday and he said be prepared to feel like you are about 3 months pregnant...I'm going to be swelling and uncomfortable this week.

I say....BRING IT ON...I'm doing this for my baby!!!

(picture is not of me...just an example of what a hyper-stimulated (one) ovary with multiple follicles looks like. Now imagine, you are only supposed to create on of this little sacs each month...and my ovaries are carrying 15+ on each....OUCH).

Ultrasound went great

I had my fourth ultrasound for our IVF session and my follicles (the little sacks holding my eggs) look GREAT! I have over 15 on the right ovary and over 20 on the left. The Dr. says they all look good and are progressing well.

He said I may be feeling good now...but give it a week and I will be cursing his name...oh good!

I was a little tired today and am starting to feel a little "tight" in the belly area...my insides are going to go for a little ride...buckle up!

Thank you to all of you who have called and emailed asking how I'm doing!!! Your simple "how are you doing" means the world to me!!! I'm truly seeing who my "rocks" are.

A Video of what we do every day...AM and PM

Oh well, who cares if the camera adds 10 lbs....this is what we do. It doesn't look bad, but we've perfected it now :-)

Feeling OK today

Yesterday was rough. I won't go into details, but it was just a rough day for me.

Yet, thanks to two Amazing women who sat with me for over two hours to pray for me and hold me up...and a surprise stop from my in-laws who dropped off some gifts for my garden...and a Husband who amazes me every day with his love, kindness and ability to make me feel good.......I'm feeling soooo much better today.

I know this is a journey and I thank God every day for putting amazing people in my life to help me (us) along the way. My cup runneth over!


THANKS: Mom, Kate, Big Jim, Helen and my Jimmy

Just venting

I actually said yesterday to my cousin's wife (who is over 8 months pregnant)
"I don't feel any weird hormonal swings or have any issues right now".

Looks like I forgot to knock on wood!

Last night's shot(s) were a little rough and this morning I woke up with a bit of the blues (and a bruise) and a HUGE desire for Fudruckers! Yes, Fudruckers! Guess where we are having dinner tonight...possibly lunch.

So, it looks like the hormone shots are doing their job...giving me extra hormones. Only three more days of the four shots a day, and then we are back to only two shots...YAYYY!!!

This is what happens when a shot goes wrong...

Starting SHOTS (caps for drama-sake)

I actually took a video of the "first shots" of our IVF....but I refuse to post it. I know the camera adds ten pounds, but really...REALLY!!! I know you are not supposed to lose weight before you get pregnant, but mama needs to tone up a bit (I think I actually saw a double chin...scary). I guess we'll just keep that video for our own amusement :-)

Okay, so most of that was not about fertility, but as I said...we started shots today.

For the next two days:
1 Lupron shot in the AM
1 Lupron shot in the PM

Starting Saturday (4 shots a day):
1 Lupron shot in the AM
1 Gonal F in the AM
1 Lupron shot in the PM
1 Menopur in the PM

Now I'm officially freaked!

Got our 2nd box of medication/injectables today......Officially freaked!

Okay, not freaked, but very aware of what is about to be done to my body.

Just the fact there is a bag with 100 needles in it...a little unnerving!

We have our injection training tomorrow and they will go over all the medications I will be taking and how/when to take them. I'm sure this will ease my mind, just knowing in what order things will be done.

I will post more tomorrow...

Don't worry, I'm okay...I think I need retail therapy though :-)

What does $2500 worth of medication look like...

This is what it looks like...


This is actually the first shipment of injectable medications they are sending me. I have another shipment (this one only $1200 worth) coming in a couple hours.

I was told by my doctor to up my protein and start "relaxing"...so that is what I am doing.

(PS - sorry if you are getting multiple posts...blogger is having issues and keeps having errors)

Ultrasounds

Today (yesterday) was my 2nd ultrasound to see if my ovaries are looking "settled", the follicles (little egg sacs) are a plenty and good size, and my lining looks good.

Check, check, and check! Dr. says I'm on the right track.

I've had about a hundred of these ultrasounds and after a while, they are like brushing your teeth, no biggie at all :-). But, I can see how this wand (see picture to the right) would scare the willies out of you the first time you saw it.

Also, my blood runneth free...I think they are trying to see how much they can take without sucking me dry.



So far so good!

(PS - Jim is complaining about how the antibiotics are making him feel icky....I'm kinda getting a sick joy out of it...so that he has a "little" experience of what I have to go through) Suck it up Mr! :-)

IVF Success Video...and an interview with my Doctor (Dr. Vu)

What are the chances?

I get this question all the time...What is the success rate.
Well, I try not to think about it too much...since the # scares me, but here they are (see picture...click on it to make it bigger).

I've been told I am very luck...

Pills, Pills and More Pills

Today is the first day I have felt...Blahhh! I'm 99.9% sure it's from the combination of pills I have to take.

Starting yesterday, I will be taking the following for the next ten days:

1. Birth Control Pill (to calm my reproductive system down)
2. Prenatal Vitamin
3. 81 mg Aspirin
4. Folic Acid/B12/B6
5. Doxycycline twice a day (antibiotic)

I just realized that drinking coffee with soy-cream in the morning is NOT helping this combination!!!!

You can't eat for at least 2-3 hours before or after taking Doxycycline (antibiotic twice a day)...that's a little hard.

Trying not to complain, but this morning I feel just Icky!

DAY 3

So, Day 3 of IVF means this:

Day 3 is your 3rd day of your period. I went to my IVF clinic and had an ultrasound....and then went to a independant clinic (which is cheaper) to take labs (give blood and urine) on this day to test for all the "bad things" in your body...which thankfully, I'm free of (HIV, STD's, Cystic Fibrosis, and high/low levels of hormones). Jim also had to do these lovely labs.

Today I will start my birth control pills for 13 days to "calm" my reproductive system down (so all the egg follicles grow at the same time when we start stimulation drugs). They did see a big cyst on my ovary, but the Dr. said he thinks it will go away in the next week. If not, we may be delaying the process a bit.

They gave us a calendar of what our month and a half will look like...see picture below.

Wow...that's a lot !

At the IVF clinic right now...wow, this is actually happening!

Negative...and Ready to Go!

I got my pregnancy test back and it's a "negative". Usually this would be bad news, but today...it's good news. This means that I'm ready for IVF! We start our appointments this week and the nurse said....

"You will most likely have egg retreival in April"

APRIL!!!!!

Blood...Yuck!

I hate getting my blood drawn!!!!!!
I should be used to it by now, but every time I have to visualize myself in a "happy place" so I don't pass out!

I had blood drawn today (for the hundredth time) to make sure I'm not pregnant....ironic....so I can start our IVF process.

I will get the results back tomorrow.

If I'm pregnant....holy-friggin-what-the-heck....that would be hilarious! But, I'm sure it will be negative and away we will go.

Until tomorrow....

Blogging???

So, I'm going to Blog...only because what is going on in our life currently may help somone else.

We are trying to have a baby! After five years, we are doing IVF (In Vitro Fertilization)!!!!!

For the most part, I hate reading other people's Blogs...because they are too long and sometime boring (sorry, but true). I will try and keep these short and sweet...and to the point.

Here we go.....